They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
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