I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
well most of my day revolves around power hour
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
