I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Randomize
