mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
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