THE most awkward situation I have EVER been in
Also, I just threw up a little in my mouth and had to act like everything was totally fine.
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Randomize
