Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
Randomize
