new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
