My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize