he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Randomize
