I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Randomize
