My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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