I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
Horny girl and non horny girl have different views on life
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
