I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
Randomize
