if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
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