shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize