So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
