im six kinds of drunk right now
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Randomize
