Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
That accounts for only three of the penises
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
