Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize
