so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
so explain again why im purple
no
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
I'm looking at some sugar baby profiles to get some insight on what we're up against.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
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