I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
We need to get me chipped asap
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
