I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Randomize
