Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
Randomize
