mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
i ditched last period to have sex with him. i had to change into my skank clothes in the church parking lot. little kids were on the swings.
nothing about this is right.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
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