He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Randomize
