Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
cliffnotes. writing studyguide on last pack of smokes. glad this semester is over.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
