I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Randomize
