so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Randomize
