Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Randomize
