Instead of a promise ring i got my clit peirced, its a promise that ill always give you ass! =]
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
