Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
im having a threesome with these popsicles
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
