Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
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