When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Panties = found
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
Randomize
