ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
Randomize
