I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize