When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
I think that maybe Alyssa may of had too much to drink. is it normal for her to straddle random people in quizno's?
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
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