I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
I don't think blacking out in class is a good idea. But I'm game
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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