im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Randomize
