You're my little dorito
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
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