Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
Woke up backwards on a recliner
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
