so I found out that he is the older brother of a friend of mine from high school
awkward
no it got awkward about 40mins later when he invited me to stay the night...with him and his girlfriend.
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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