Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
Randomize
