Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
Why is your signature on my underwear?
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
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