Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
I'm getting married
To pizza
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Randomize
