my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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