I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
if three guys were standing in front of you and they differed only in the hairiness of the groin who would you choose: smooth as a baby's bottom, the grass lands or the amazon jungle?
i think you're getting too neurotic about why she won't touch you.
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
