Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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