i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
Randomize
