I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
I may or may not have melted a dent into the top of my minifridge with my hot glue gun, which I left on for the past couple hours unsupervised, while we were on our salvo/savers excursion. Welcome to Halloween in college.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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