so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize