I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I showed him my bush... on skype.
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
I am never drinking with the goths again.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
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