it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
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