She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
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