Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
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