this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Randomize
