I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize
