i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
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