he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
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