Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
I just showed my boobs to our astate representative hahahahahahha
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Randomize
