those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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