If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
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