After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
Randomize
