they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
Randomize
