I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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