I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
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