I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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