he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
